Avoiding Confrontation

No doubt i wasnt very satisfy over certain things. But its better to keep quiet, remain silent. Its not a secret, or rather i refuse to publicly display my discontent. I dont see a point in expressing it cause it probably do more harm than good. Who knows?

Its only rational to nod your head and admit defeat even if you're found innocent. Keep your unhappiness to yourself. It was that moment, you silently curse and condemn. Your reasonable thought will never be heard since its overwhelmed with anger and frustration.

So these are the words i've written down, the least i could do to avoid confrontation. My blog listening to my rants, peace i could find...

Do you want it to be steamed? Or deep fried?

Life Is Hard

Life is horrible when you're poor. Dont you agree with me? Not that im in a terrible need of money or anything close to it. But to see its a massive reduction in the power of purchasing.

You see things that you want to own, items that you wish to possess. Gadgets you dreamt of having. But as soon as you open your wallet, your second thought tells you that its better to keep them for another day. Life is hard. The world is cruel. The rich will only get richer; the poor can only grew poorer at the end of the day.

However, its a good thing that im not in debt, except for my car loan. A steady income and a fixed monthly saving. My credit card is clean and holding a good payment record. Just another ordinary human being trying hard to earn some money to buy a piece of bread.

Its just at times, i wish i could earn more. To obtain the things i like, having stuffs i long for, instead of looking them from afar, out of my grasp...

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

P.S. Any part time job to recommend? :P

It Is Itchy... *scratch*

Ahhh... Monday. Wasnt a good start afterall. *scratch scratch*

After 10 days vanishing myself from the office, the sudden laziness is devouring me. Where have i been? Public holiday and attended a 5 days training opposite Queensbay. I enjoy the course provided (Microsoft Visual Studio 2008 at InfoTrek) very much as its indeed beneficial and useful to me, able to equip myself better with the skill sets i needed. Furthermore, they also provide us with a handsome amount of cash for lunch allowance, *hint hint*, wondering if the company would ever learn the example.

As i said, it wasnt a good start. Im feeling sleepy right now, and its definitely its because of last night. The uneasiness within me, that intense itchiness all over my body, especially on my armpits and groins. Its been a rough night, a sleepless night. Just whats wrong with me? I had an appointment with the doctor at 2:30PM; i need some cream or ointment. Hope it could reduce those unwelcome diseases.

As for tonight, i need a good rest... till then...

Insomnia

Should i be prescribed with medicine?


I've been going through sleepless night for couple of days now. I could only rest my body, but not my mind. Each time i close my eyes; my mind would begin to wonder around. As far as things are concern, im not experiencing astral projection. Im afraid to try it either. Would you tuck me to sleep?

Both have equal hours under their sleeves, but the night seems to be getting much longer than the day, or was it the day who flew faster than the night? Storms in my head; rains in my bed. Irregular heartbeat. Troubling thoughts; seeking reasons; making believe. Tired mind; swollen eyes; hidden truth. Would you still tuck me to sleep?

Looks like the omen is true afterall...

My sis once said i was getting too hard on myself. Trying to be responsible for everything that happened, taking blame when things doesnt go the way it should be. Pretty true i guess. Learning to let go. I stumbled upon a comment that somehow lift my day a little. It was from the other indecisive Libran.

just remember that everything happens for some reason
and sometimes, it's for the better
like this morning, i was taking a break from studying, and i end up here
so i could offer you a pat on your shoulder
and tell you that there will be sunshine after the rain
you just have to let the rain pass...

Thanks for reading, none of the above are real. They were just illustration from my mind. And no, i dont need medicine.

Im just in a crossroad, which i dont know where should i go... Afraid, confused, without a roadmap. Lost my sense of direction. The consequences of bearing whatever circumstances that come what may, or the path where i'll be finding it hard to let go. Is it really there, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief? And beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead?

Crash And Burn, anyone wants to sing it for me?
And when its over, i'll breathe again

Unfortunate Event - Emo Rant

Shhh...

What do you call that? An emotional stage where you doesnt feel like talking. Not in the mood to explain or anything that deals with it. Dont want to be hearing advise or any condolence. Hiding myself in the cave, out of sight, disappearing myself from the public. Wanting to be left alone. I just want to be left in the corner, out of peoples' attention. Sigh...

I understand that communication is probably the best way to release what lies within, but just not in this scenario. Its like a silence treatment. Cause the more i speak, the more damages it may incur. Ending up with more parties being unhappy. Its like i need some time to balance up my scale before i could start deciding on how should i proceed. A typical Libran. Hahaa. This is me being emo.

Sometimes i wonder, is it going to be a series of unfortunate events? Considering those mishaps is like lining up in an array manner, looping itself periodically. Or was it just me being with many thoughts?

Suddenly these words came to my mind. These words of wisdom were taken from ShinYin's blog that derived from the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Very much applicable, and a very good movie...

Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it.
Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it.
A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping,
but she had forgotten her coat - went back to get it.
When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she'd stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes.
While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House.
And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi.
Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee.
And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing.
And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who'd stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab.
The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm.
While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower.
And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn't been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot.
When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed.
The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace.
While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater.

And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn't broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn't broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn't stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would've crossed the street, and the taxi would've driven by.

But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control - that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed.

It wasnt exactly too bad. Its an accident, unavoidable. Its good that it occurred, an experience, just that the experience comes with a cost to pay. It could have been worst, could have been more beyond this pretty. I've been lucky.

Like Captain Mike said, "You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

What A Day At Work

@#$%^&*()

They are the common sign of foul language in modern world of written communication. Those were also the em cheng keng stuff i learned from Lao Fu Zhe's comic. LOL. I could hardly read any of the characters, thus figures and facial expressions could only be the medium that measure my understanding in the comic.

I dont critisize nor say bad things about the comic. I know my shortcomings, but still, i enjoy reading them. Its part of my childhood entertainment. A reading leisure that i used to find in my grandparents' house. Those were the days...

Well, something happened today and got me all burning with anger. Got me really @#$%^&*()!!!

As a developer of a building, i dont draw out the blueprint. Like in Phua Chu Kang sitcom, Chu Beng design, Chu Kang built. Its that simple. When you're done with the floor plan and had submitted for work application, that it, full stop, a big dot, free exclaimation mark for you if you need it.

If you're complaining about the living room werent properly construct according to the layout, im willing to admit my mistake. I'll revamp, refurbish and renovate. But if after everything is completed; after the walls were being built, tiles being placed, bricks were being cemented, house being painted, then you tell me you want more wiring work and more sockets to be installed, that definitely going to get me and my workers freaking mad.

How is everything going to be? After this house, me and my employees are going to the next location to begin our work according to the schedule. Are you willing to pay more for extra wiring job? Are you willing to pay for the delay(s) on our next task or projects?

WTF???

One more thing. If you're want to put an aircon in your bathroom, thinking its hot in the summer and you might need to cool down a little while in the bathroom doing some summer concert, think again. Dont make some irrelevant request or unreasonable demands. Use your brain. Impacts it may cost; consequences it may bring. Kindly take note that flexibility and feasility doesnt get along together peacefully.

And yea... please do speak louder for GOD sake. I cant hear you!!!

I Fear...

Fear. I've been carrying this fear with me when i was small. Its not so much of a big deal until recently...

I've been having the intention to join my colleagues to Thailand this coming March, but my main concern is, *ahem* I cant swim. Hardly do i ever touch on water, except taking a shower. How am i going to survive if im in the middle of the ocean? Ya, laugh all you want. I've been expecting these as well since i post this entry.

I know its a shame for those who live in this island and know nothing about swimming. Called myself a beach boy, indeed, im a beach boy who runs on the beach... not swimming in the sea.

Was it the fear i had when i was small? Its so real that im unable to justify if its a personal experience or was it just another nightmare. The image of me drowning keeps appear before me. Feelings that are unable to describe. Afraid...

I persisted in acting like a naive child
...
I know that i cant be too dependant
Afraid that you would spoil me...

One need to grow up. About time to start walking now... If not now, then when? Sooner or later, even if i cant swim, at least i need to stay alive. No more of made fairy tale of mermaid saving me when im drown. Its been a burden for lifting the fear on my shoulder for so long now. Need to let go. Need to find the courage, else Koh Rok no more within my sight.

Ah Dann got to face his fear... rang wo men cheng zhe yang guang~~

First Sigh Of The Year

Let me test your sight, do you see anything wrong with the photo below?


Nop? Look again carefully...

WTF!!!

My windscreen was cracked the very first day of Niu year. Not so much of prosperity. Got up in the morning and getting ready to Pai Chia, i was surprised with the sight of my car. Swt...

There was candy (should be lollipop), at the bottom of the windscreen, and i suppose that was the reason of the whole scene. Someone once told me that sweets, especially hacks, could easily break the windscreen. Who's the culprit?

Never mind that, its over anyway and i got it repaired. It cost me RM320, even my angpow money doesnt have enough to cover the charges. Plus, i need to spend another sum of money here and there to get it tinted. *sigh*

My new windscreen

Today is Tuesday. Could it be Choi San, dropping me hints for greater riches? I dont know, but who knows? HUAT AH!!!

Editted: 2nd Feb. It cost me RM130 to get my windscreen tinted. For the first time in Chinese New Year, my car cost me a staggering amount of RM450 in total. Painful indeed... Painful.

Wasnt A Good Start Of The Year

Chinese New Year is just around the corner. Several days more and we'll be welcoming the Year of Ox. I guess by then im officially 24 years of age in Chinese calendar.

The Year of Ox doesnt bring much pleasant to majority of us, not excluding myself. Looking at it, i could only sigh. Its an inevitable cycle. Balancing the distances and gaps. There's still several items in my things-to-buy list are left unchecked. Never mind i said to myself, those wasnt really necessary and could be left out at the moment. They can wait.

Economy crisis. Its just the mid of Jan and the impact wasnt too significant to the naked eyes, but slowly, and definitely, its wave will hit the shore. Like a chain reaction that cause damages on the houses and beaches, one things after another. Company starts to shutdown, salary deduction and some might even have to lay off their employees, sending out a pink slip.

I could only hope things dont get too bad...

Everything have to be put on hold for these would carries on until the 2nd quarter before it gradually pick up as economist said. No new gadgets, hand phone and laptop. Whatever it is, at least i could experience this economy downturn now that im earning a living.

Life could have been worst, but what we have are already far more better than theirs... Learn to cherish what you have.

My Wish

My wish, for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah this, is my wish...

Thanks... =)

So Much For Streamyx

I strongly believe that when i say Streamyx is the best, i'll be bombarded with shoes or anything thats smelly or dirty, or maybe tomatoes and vegetables. A general statement to all, we dont hate Streamyx, its just that at times we would prefer a better service with our hard earn money paid.

Im living with the connection speed of 512kbps and it cost my family RM66 (without modem).

click to enlarge, or here

And just to brush up a little, here's what UK is providing its citizen.

24MB with just £18 per month, here

With the monthly fees of £18, they could enjoy 24MB connectivity. Let me do the math for you, thats around RM100 for 24MB. Suffering here in Malaysia, RM100 could only earn you a 1MB. Its 24 folds!!!

In more sarcastic manner, we are 24 times behind UK. Well, that "24" is a variable that exponentially increases its integer, thats what i thought. Ladies and gentlemen, if you were to benchmark our country, the figure itself is enough to justify where we are now. That is how far we are left behind, an inconvenience truth.

Just picture what i could do if i could get my 24MB... Every Tuesday when the new episode of Heroes is out, the next minute, i could get it done. Imagine downloading 1GB of file in an hour, thats how cool it is. Whatever that i want from movie to anime, mp3 to files, i could have it the very next moment i click on the download button. Impressive isnt it?

Back to reality... im still struggling with my endlessly disappointing connection.

If there's any good in Streamyx, do feel free to correct me...

Untitled

Waking up in the morning bright, beautiful sun at my sight
Gasping in dismay as it might, lies beneath an unpleasant sigh...

A friend of mine ask me this question last night, "So, how are you?". After being much of a consultant, i found myself in the mist of uncertainties. The dexterity and flexibility of the fingers aint proving its value at the moment, but rather stay still and stood right there. Im clouded on how should i reply...

Eyes are heavy; my mind is at a mess. It doesnt feel right or wrong, just another empty beat of a song. How could i please everyone? I did what i could and somehow it's never enough. I cant be perfect. Acknowledgement and appreciation. Words that lost its way.

"Why do people always made me feel guilty and bitchy?", she asked me earlier on. Probably by now, its me questioning this.

My scale doesnt seems to balance. Im frustrated. Voices inside long to be heard, but who is to listen? I hate myself. At least here, this is some spaces i could have, where i could sit and craft, write and draft. Silence... calm this piece of troubled mind.

For some reasons i cant explain,
i know Saint Peter wont call me name...

At the end of the day, its just another rant i would say...

You are what you think you are;
think more of yourself and there are more of you...

Not Doing Well

I guess by now you would have know...

Aint everything could be said here. Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions; they have to be well kept behind these curtains. Masquerade yourself in front of the public, and when you're alone or with least people around, only could you be yourself.

It's like leading a team to complete a project. No matter how ugly the troubles got you, how monkey your members are, or how sarcastically stressed and pathetically pressured you are; you still have to be strong. You're like a lynch pin in the team, and if you fall, the rest will go down as well.

Even if you're just a crew member, you too had to be well control of your emotions. Be calm, composed and collected. For you dont want to be graded as incapable or incompetence by your comrades or captain.

I guess that's how people used to be. Always trying to portray a good impression, a perfect image of oneself. Saying everything is all right when the reality hurts; faking a smile so they wont sees.

However does it really matters?

Im not good in putting up shield of lies. So here i am... not doing well. =)

Why so serious?